Congratulations! I’ve accepted your request and we’re now Facebook friends! This means that you’ve met all the prerequisites of our internet friendship. Good for you! For those that are wondering, these prerequisites include, but are not limited to (and are also subject to change as often as my moods):
1. Your profile picture does not instantly creep me out or irritate me.
2. Your name on Facebook is not something asinine.
3. Your profile does not appear to be fake, nor am I your first Facebook friend.
4. I either know you in person, we have mutual friends, or I have spoken to you at some point in time.
5. You are not my ex.
6. We have a language in common.
So here’s how this is going to go down—you post, I post, we like, we laugh, we comment, we share. It works out beautifully for the both of us. I get my fill of eerily relatable internet memes that make me L my A right O, and you get your fill of dog photos and recipes that we both know neither of us will actually put the effort into making. In time, we might even be besties. Who knows? Everything will be sunshine, rainbows, and glitter as long as you DON’T do any of the following things to get yourself deleted faster than an email at the Clinton residence.
Do NOT immediately message me with information about your direct sales company! I cannot even stress this enough. If your name pops up in my inbox within five minutes of being friended, and you’re going on about your product and the business opportunity, one of two things will happen—I will either block you right away or summon the inner demons to respond. It is literally like playing Russian roulette when you message me with a sales pitch immediately. You want to get to know me and network and build a relationship—that is perfectly fine. We can do that. For the record, I am also in direct sales, so be prepared to have my pitch regurgitated in a similarly annoying fashion should you choose that route.
I don’t care if you post business-related statuses on your page. That’s your page; you go do what you gotta do. I will tell you right now that I probably will never select you as my go-to person for anything if you post the same copy-and-paste crap that everyone else is posting with every single emoji and the same results or product photo. Be original. I will also tell you that should you decide to post on Facebook and tell everyone on your friends list that their priorities are not in order because they will not invest $99 to join your team—I will more than likely call you an idiot and remove you. Go right ahead and share that story that everyone else has of the girl that skipped out on paying her electric bill to join your company and went without electricity for however many weeks, but made a butt load of money her first few weeks and was on her way to being debt free. No. Just no. Shut up right now, because NO! I am not going to skip paying ANY of my bills to join your team just because you say that my priorities and my financial freedom depend on it. You know what happens if MY electricity gets shut off? Not only do I not have lights, but I also do not have a stove to cook on, or water for that matter because the magical thing that brings the water from the well into my house does not run on hopes, dreams, and empty promises of making $500 my first week. It runs on electricity. So not only will I not be able to eat, but I won’t be able to use the bathroom or shower. Explain to me how my priorities are messed up again?
Oh, yeah, and about that—NEVER promise anyone that they’re going to make any amount of money. I want to shake you all until your heads fall off when you do that. Moving on… if you are with more than one’s direct sales company and you’re pushing them all at once on me, it only tells me that you’re not doing so well with your first company—so no, I don’t want to join your team because it’s obviously not working out so well for you.
Pardon me while I shout this next one, folks….
DO NOT ADD ME TO YOUR FACEBOOK GROUPS WITHOUT ASKING ME IF I AM INTERESTED IN JOINING THEM!!
Yes, that needed to be in CAPS and bolded. Absolutely. Never, ever, EVER add me to your group and then be pushy and try to sell me products. I will find out where you live. I will kidnap you and throw you into a van with no windows and blindfold you, and then I will drive to a cook-out and be like “YAY!! AREN’T YOU SO HAPPY I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS PARTY?!?! I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE NOT HUNGRY OR YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO THESE FOODS—YOU HAVE TO TRY THEM!!!!” and then proceed to shove hot dogs down your throat. Does that not sound fun? Well, my dear—that’s what being added to your group is like.
If you don’t know me, I’m going to assume you also do not know my friends. When I post something, feel free to comment, but think twice about making a snide remark towards me or any of my friends who comment. If you do not know me, you do not have the right to pick a fight with or insult any of my friends—you’ll be InstaGone, and we’ll make fun of you for quite a while after. If you think I’m a jerk, you should really meet my friends. If my husband chimes in (and he rarely does), chances are you will probably wish you were never born. There’s a reason I married this man. This ability is one of them.
Don’t tag me in a million things, either. I swear if I get one more notification and it turns out to be another “So it’s your wedding day– tag everyone on your friend’s list” post…. I…. will… SCREAM!
There are probably a dozen other irritating things you can do to get yourself unfriended on Facebook, however, I do try to be tolerant and accepting those flaws minus the above. The simplest rule is one that I’m sure everyone’s mother has preached for years—don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want to be done to you. So really, if you’re not a complete jerk- let’s be friends!
